Nessa's Montesorri Preschool fundraiser

Tami here.

Just a quick note to share the link for the Montessori school fundraiser. We only have about a week to order, and we need to submit the order directly with the school, so if you want to order anything, just let us know and we'll coordinate with you. You can look at the website to see what is in the catalog -- http://www.forsmallhands.com/store/ -- this appears to be the same as the products in the catalog (minus the sales items, sorry).

There are LOTS of great Christmas gifts here too...if you are on our Christmas list, let us know if anything looks great to you.

Thank you...

Remembering and Helping Others: IRIS Turkey Trot and Team Emily and Arianna

Team Emily and Arianna

Please help IRIS reach their fund-raising goal, and specifically help us reach our fund-raising goal for Team Emily and Ariana. For more information http://www.irisremembers.com/events/TurkeyTrot2009/viewTeam.cfm?teamID=15(this link goes directly to the Team Emily and Arianna page and from there you can also get to more information about IRIS -- Infants Remembered In Silence)

If you are in the area, you can also join us on Thanksgiving morning for this race as our entire family will be doing it. Megan and I will be doing the timed 5K, Shawn will be doing the fun walk with Nessa, and Nessa is also signed up for the kid's fun run (we'll see how that goes). We appreciate all the support we can get.

Thank you,

Tami

A Powerful Reminder

Shawn here.

Most mornings I'm the one helping Nessa get her day started. Tami and I settled on that schedule when we were both working, and it became habit. It used to mean actually getting Nessa dressed, but now it's mostly just encouraging her to finish so that she can eat breakfast, or watch cartoons, or whatever. However, on Tuesdays I attend the mens prayer breakfast offered by our church. This means I usually leave before Nessa is awake, or at most get to say a quick goodbye before heading out the door. Nessa seems to accept this as part of the rhythm of the week.

This morning Nessa woke up with a bloody nose before I left. Tami got her cleaned up before I headed out the door, but not dressed. As I was getting ready to leave, Nessa was asking Tami to come watch her get dressed. Tami laughed and said "Does Daddy watch you get dressed? He's spoiling you." Then she looked at me and said "This summer I usually just told her to go get dressed." I responded "Maybe Daddy doesn't need to watch her anymore."

When I turned to hug Nessa again, she had her classic trying-hard-not-to-be-sad expression. Thinking she just didn't want me to go (a frequent occurrence), I hugged her and reminded her that I'd see her at supper. Her face didn't change, so I asked what was wrong.

Quiver. "I like Daddy watching me get dressed."

I realized that she'd taken my toss-off reply to Tami literally and seriously, and although she was trying to be a "big girl" about it, she was unhappy. I told her that we would talk about it later, but she shouldn't be unhappy now. You'll have to ask Tami how well that worked, because I had to leave then.

This incident reminded me, powerfully, of several things I need always to remember.

1) Children take you literally. They understand silliness and jokes, but they don't understand nuance and subtlety. Watch what you say, because they won't pick up on how you say it.

2) You don't always know which time is quality time. My morning time with Nessa doesn't seem like much on the surface, but her palpable sense of loss made it evident that she values it greatly. The special "let's do something fun for an hour" times are good and necessary, but the routines and interactions that build up over time and develop a history of their own have a far greater impact--for good or ill. Make sure they're for good.

3) My daughter loves me. My presence is important to her, and the things we do together are shaping her in a million little ways that I don't always see or comprehend. I have to make time just for her every single day we are together.

4) God has blessed me beyond my ability to express. To have this rich pattern of relationships, to be surrounded by those I love and who love me--when I had accepted that I would spend my life fundamentally alone--is to realize that I have everything that truly matters in this world. I must treat those people and that love as the precious treasures they are, never taking them for granted and never squandering them.

Tami, Nessa, Megan--I love you. Thank you for making my life so rich and full.

O god, ... Now I pray

Tami here:

-- I felt led to let you in on my morning prayer and meditation time -- it's not something I generally share here and yet it is such a part of my life, and this particular Psalm is really speaking to me, and I am trying to listen.

I have been meditating with the Psalms/Now modern paraphrase translation of the Psalms by Leslie F. Brandt for several months now, and this week I have been reading Psalm 119 (Psalms Now link to Amazon)

Parts of Psalm 119

(paraphrase, emphasis mine)

Now I pray for the wisdom to discern your will

and the grace to carry it out

in the difficult days before me.

You have shown me how much you love me, Lord;

now show me how to love You.

Your standards for me are clear.

I am to translate Your love into terms

that others can comprehend,

to demonstrate it before my fellow beings.

I can truly love You only as I proceed

to love Your children in this world,

I can serve You only as I commit my life to service

on behalf of my brothers and sisters.

I can offer sacrifices to You only as

I sacrifice to meet my neighbor's need.

This is Your law and standard,

Your design and will for my life.

This is the way in which I will be pleasing to You.

I do love You, O God,

and Your will for me is the delight of my heart.

I have a sincere love for many people

who cross my path,

and I rejoice in the privilege of serving them.

And yet, O Lord, there are so many people

whom I do not love.

The demons of bigotry and apathy,

jealousy and selfishness,

plague my soul and numb my sensitivities.

They stay my hand from reaching out

to help others.

I sin against You when I sin against them,

and I need to be restored and renewed

by Your loving touch.

How I praise You, O Lord,

because You love me even when I fail

to respond in loving obedience!

Whereas I cannot comprehend You,

you do understand me,

and You continue to hold me

within Your loving embrace.

While I fall short of my sincere intentions

to abide within Your will for me,

Your promises are eternally secure,

and You tenderly and patiently

rekindle the fires within me and empower me

to do that which I cannot do by myself.

I love You, O God,

and I gladly accept Your will and purpose

for my life.

Now bless me and guide me

and grant me the grace

to walk within Your will and purpose

and have the joy of knowing

that I am pleasing to You.

~~~~~~~~~~

To everyone reading, thank you, and thank you for your continued prayer for my discernment and clarity for all of us along our journey.

Love and belief,

Tami

Sit-com Saturday (by Shawn)

Shawn here. It started out normally enough. After lazily puttering around the house for awhile Saturday morning, Nessa and I were going to run some errands. First stop: the video store to return some DVDs. It was 20 feet from the door to the drop slot—15 seconds, max. I left Nessa in the running car and put the DVDs in the slot. When I got back to the car I pulled on the door handle and almost strained my arm.

The car door wouldn’t open.

I looked at the door with what I’m sure was a very stupid expression on my face, absolutely befuddled. It took a couple of seconds of staring at the door in disbelief for it to register that the door was indeed locked. That all of the car doors were locked.

With Nessa inside, strapped in her car seat.

OK, don’t panic. It’s not that hot out, the car’s running, the air-conditioning is on, Nessa will be fine. Tami’s home, and hopefully out of the shower by now. I’ll call her.

“Hi sweetie. I’m at Family Video, and I managed to lock Nessa in the car with it running. I need you to please bring the other van key here so I can unlock the car.” Tami laughed and said that she would be there as soon as she could.

Now I had to explain to Nessa what had happened. I told her, and told her that Mommy was coming. Nessa could hear me through the window, but between her soft voice and all the road noise, I couldn’t hear her very well. To pass the time, I started making faces through the window, playing hide-and-seek, and walking around the car.

Maybe the rear door is unlocked! Ooof...no, of course it isn’t, doofus.

I briefly contemplated trying to explain to Nessa how to unbuckle herself from her car seat, but between not being sure if she could exert enough pressure to undo the buckles, the problems hearing her through the window, and the fact that I wasn’t sure I really wanted her to know how to unbuckle herself, I decided against that. So I kept trying to amuse Nessa and talking to her through the window.

Soon enough Tami pulled up in our other car, but just as she got to me I saw her eyes close briefly and her shoulders slump. I walked up to the car.

“You forgot the van key, didn’t you?”

“Yes. Never chastise your spouse too much, even in your head, ‘cause it’ll come back to bite you in the butt.”

We talked a bit more, and then Tami pulled away to go back and get the other van key. I had to explain things to Nessa, so I went over to the van.

“Mommy had to go back home, sweet girl. She forgot the other key to the van, and has to go get it.”

At which point my four year-old daughter, with perfect timing, assumed an incredulous expression … which very clearly said “You’re kidding me—and I’m related to these people?” … and dropped her face into her left hand with a loud smack.

Cue laugh track.

A little gift for me (via Nessa) on the anniversary of the day I became a mother (by Tami)

Tami Here

Today is Megan's Birthday, but I'm not really writing about that (it would change the focus too much ... but it was a great day in celebration of a GREAT young lady (12!)). However, it was because it was Megan's birthday that Nessa and I were cleaning and then decorating, etc. -- "to get ready for the party." Which really wasn't much of a party except that to a 4-year-old if you have cake and presents, then you have a party. And if you are the mom of a 4-year-old you discover that for a 4-year-old cleaning for a party can be much more appealing than cleaning or doing "chores" at any other time.

So, to set the stage --

Nessa and I worked really well together this morning after I explained how we were getting ready for a party that would happen later in the day after we picked up Megan from her Dad's house at 5 p.m. In fact Nessa was just a total pleasure to work with during most of the day. And it was all that much sweeter because the morning started out a bit rough with Nessa waking us up at 4 a.m., not going back to sleep, and then not being very cooperative through the beginning of the morning ... thankfully when I focused and restarted the day, she seemed to as well.

While getting ready we talked about how it was Megan's birthday and a day to celebrate Megan. Nessa never complained about it not being her own birthday, but did note it briefly. Mostly we were simply very excited about showing Megan how excited we were to celebrate her birthday.

At one point I hugged Nessa and told her what a great helper she was being and how much fun I was having with her as we were getting things ready for Megan to come home. Nessa smiled back and said something I don't even remember, and I hugged her again and went on to tell her how very thankful I am that God blessed me with her.

Nessa rarely misses a beat when I tell her such things. She shows that her mind is always putting things together and processing things we say -- often more than we process them before saying them!

And this time was no different and I could tell those wheels were turning as she started talking, but I was not ready for what she said.

She said, "yeah ... because if you didn't have me, you wouldn't have three girls." [emphasis mine]

I just hugged her and agreed with her, and said that each of my three girls were so special in their own unique ways.

Some of you reading this likely are already crying with me. Others may not understand it at all, so I'll explain just a bit of the whirlwind that goes through my mind when Nessa counts herself among my THREE daughters.

In some ways it is like anyone else remembering that I have 3 girls rather than only the 2 they can see all the time. But then it is so much more than that because Nessa only knows Emily though us. Unlike Megan, Nessa did not go through the experience of Emily's death at all. It is a past that she really does not share. And yet at only 4 years old she has been able to process that she does indeed have another sister.

I guess it was even more profound to me because I have never really heard Nessa mention Emily or refer to her in any way on her own initiative (without us talking about Emily first). So knowing that she does know and remember on her own was really meaningful to me. It was a huge gift on such an important and meaningful day -- the anniversary of the day I became a mother!

At least I'm not the Crazy One! ... So says Nessa (Written by Tami)

Tami Here:

So today Nessa and I decided to get some groceries after her Allergy Associates apt. (all went well there). First I decided to brave the eating out while Gluten Free challenge and took Nessa to Culver's in Onalaska again since she had such a great time last time (it has been literally months and months since we had gone any place close to fast food). So after enjoying our meal there (GREAT customer service once again -- Nessa had a hamburger w/out bun, applessauce and a lemon ice cooler -- so not only GF but also GFCF), I was telling Nessa what stores we were going to go to next.

Nessa was listening carefully and said, "we're going to THREE grocery stores!"

I responded with "yeah, your mom is CRAZY."

(This is how I really felt because going to multiple stores is SO not me. But I wanted specific GF items from Festival Foods, fruit on sale at Aldi's and Woodman's to get some special raw honey that I LOVE...thankfully Festival had that same honey so I lucked out and we only had to go to two stores...still pushing it for me in one day LOL).

Nessa didn't miss a beat in replying though, "Mom, you're NOT Crazy...kinda funny sometimes, but not crazy."

Brief pause.

"Daddy is CRAZY."

Analayze that!

Tami here:

I know I owe you all tons of pics and regular updates but here is a tidbit I didn't want to forget, so I'm blogging it quickly. :-)

Today Nessa was painting, and I have been trying to ask more open-ended questions and also make fewer comments such as "good job", "well done", and so on. Rather I want to hear more about what is going on for her as she creates art. Only sometimes I forget that I'm asking questions to a 4-year-old. and sometimes I'm not specific enough, and sometimes both of these things happen at the same time. This is an example of what happens when I forget this --

Me: "how did you feel while painting it?"

Nessa: After a long pause "Well, when I was painting it, I touched the paint and it was wet, ... and the dry ones felt kind of powdery, and ... (as she touches the nearby painting she did earlier) when they are done but not quite dry they are kind of sticky."

And of course she was dead serious answering my question, and I couldn't help breaking out in laughter. I mean that long pause had me thinking she was actually going to tell me that she felt happy while painting it or something. :-)